Breaking the Cycle of Divorce

BREAKING the CYCLE of DIVORCE
by
John Trent

 
 
[Adult Children of Divorce] ACOD’s like me grew up under this kind of curse. The flow of love, support, and good modeling of a healthy marriage that should have been theirs from tow parents while growing up was instead cut off. (p. 13)
 
Allison’s story – She loved both parents, but any loyalty she showed toward one of them was seen by the other as treason. Her father sued for custody and got it , but it soon became clear that the was only using her to get revenge on her mother. (p. 14)
 
Statistically, studies have shown that children of divorce suffer from more depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, feelings of rejection, drug and alcohol abuse, delinquency, poor inter-personal relationships, and criminality than children from intact homes. Sixty-five percent of children from divorced families will never build a good post- divorce relationship with their fathers. Thirty percent will be unable to develop a good post-divorce relationship with their mothers. (p. 15)
 
(And if both spouses come from divorced homes, the odds that they will divorce increase by 189 percent.) (p. 16)
 
Statistics like these led one expert on the impact of divorce to write, “The effects of divorce on childhood happiness may be more pronounced than the effects of death and may have deeper consequences on quality of life or emotional health. (p. 16)
 
I am painfully aware – especially in my high school years – that other guys had dads who played catch with them, helped with their homework, attended their ball games to cheer them on, and then took them out for burgers afterward. (p. 17)
 
I’ve stated and illustrated that adult children of divorce are under the “curse,” meaning they’ve grown up with life-giving elements “damned up” or missing from their lives.
(p. 23)
 
I’ve identified 12 common manifestations of the curse.
            Isolation – They withdraw form others emotionally, psychologically, and physically – even from their own spouses and children. (p. 25)
            Unhealthy Family Secrets – Many times, children who grow up in broken homes learn that hiding embarrassing family information is better, in order to keep up appearances. (p. 27)
            False Guilt – But the heart can stubbornly resist even what the brain tells it, and nowhere is this truer than in children who eventually grow into ACODs. (p. 31)
The result: False guilt tends to drive ACODs to isolate themselves from others. Genuine guilt, in contrast – which results when you’ve actually, intentionally done something wrong – leads a person toward repentance and a life that changes for the better. (p. 33)
            Fear-Based Procrastination – But ACODs are even more prone to putting things off than the norm. (p. 34)
Making decisions and getting things done can be a major, daily struggle for such a person. (p. 36)
            Poor Choices – If cohabiting couples eventually marry, their likelihood of divorcing will be 46 percent higher than that of couples who marry without having first lived together. (p. 45)
            False Starts – The tendency shows up, too, in the multiple projects at home and at work that they start but somehow never finish. (p. 47)
            Broken Commitments – Another reason ACODs are especially prone to broken commitments is that they don’t really like commitments. In their experience, commitments lead inevitably to disappointment and pain. (p. 50)
When they do make commitments, ACODs expect the other party to break them sooner or later. (p. 50)
            Blaming Others – When this man failed to meet a deadline, it was because the project was more complicated than he had expected or the deadline wasn’t reasonable. (p. 51)
            Smoldering Anger – As with the other manifestations of the curse, one reason ACODs are prone to anger is that they often saw it demonstrated by their parents as they were growing up. (p. 61)
            Not Really Listening – But he simply wouldn’t listen. He had his mind made up, and that was all there was to it. …. Reason number one is, again, parental example. Moms and dads in troubled marriages are often consumed with their own problems. To really listen to someone else requires shifting their focus to that other person. But when they’re self-absorbed, wrapped up in their own troubles, such a shift usually doesn’t happen. … Another reason is that, as stated earlier, ACODs can lack self-confidence. And really listening to someone else, especially someone with an opposing point of views or a different agenda, demands self-confidence and even courage. (p. 63)
            Unending Arguments – They often don’t know how to resolve conflict in healthful ways. They’ve never learned to “fight” fairly and respectfully. As noted earlier, ACODs also suffer from low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity. This means, among other things, that they have an inordinate need to be “right” when they’re at odds with someone else. If they can win the argument, they feel better about themselves, at least temporarily. If they lose, on the other hand, it only confirms their poor opinion of themselves. (p. 66)
            Seeing Only an Impersonal God – When they think of the mighty God of the universe, they see Him as big, impersonal, and vaguely aware of their existence at best. …. Why are ACODs prone to viewing God as cold and impersonal? Well, for starters, if they were old enough when it happened, they probably prayed to Him as their parents’ marriage was breaking apart, imploring Him to keep them together. And what good did that do? (p. 68)
 
But understand that reversing the curse begins with exercising your will and choosing to do so. (p. 80)
 
First, we need to remember that fears grow in dark places, and they shrink in the light of day. (p. 81)
 
… we can write out a list of the ways in which we and our spouse are not like our parents –especially in those faults that contributed to their divorce. (p. 82)
 
It’s a mater of reprogramming our thinking, of focusing on – so we can build on – the positives in our lives rather than the negatives that grow out of a legacy of divorce.
(p. 82)
 
… we need to aim to make just two-degree changes. (p. 84)
 
But if you continue to make two-degree changes over an extended time and distance, the ultimate result will be a huge change in where you end up. (p. 84)
 
In short, someone to whom you’re willing to make yourself truly accountable can be a great asset in dealing with any of the manifestations of the curse. As suggested above, this person needs to be someone you can trust to have your best interests at heart and to protect your privacy. It also needs to be someone to whom you’re willing to spill your guts. And it needs to be a person who will ask you the tough questions about how you handled your problem area(s) since you last met, and who won’t let you dance around the truth when you answer. (p. 93)
 
However, one of the best decisions Cindy and I ever made was to seek a “couch,” or counselor, for a yearly tune-up. (p. 94)
 
But the greatest power to make lasting change comes from gaining an accurate understanding of God and His love for you, and then letting Him work in and through you. (p. 96)
 
What a Model Provides
 
First, they gave me hope that marital commitment can endure for a liftetime. (p. 111)
 
Second, my models gave me the expectation that commitment will endure for a lifetime. (p. 112)
 
Third, my models gave me examples of healthful ways to relate – daily habits that build up a marriage. (p. 112)
 
Fourth, my models gave me examples of how to resolve conflicts without destroying the relationship. (p. 113)
 
How much of your pain have you brought on yourself through your attitudes, words, and actions? Which of your own habits make it difficult for you to build healthy relationship? (p. 126)
 
So the question then becomes, what might it look like to step out of the trailer, to make the first two-degree change in overcoming whichever of the manifestations of the curse is causing you the most trouble? (p. 127)
 
Did you look at your schedule and analyze what you could realistically do before making any new commitments this week? (p. 131)
 
In the Hebrew language in which that biblical book of Deuteronomy was originally written, the word translated life means “movement.” (p. 133)
 
Children may not ask you tough questions about how you’re living (but then again, they might), but never forget that they’re watching you, listening to you, and learning from your every move, every day. (p. 137)
 
And the principle is simply this: we need to put past mistakes and past poor choices behind us, and we need to focus on the future. (p. 156)
 
Some good models of unconditional love, acceptance, and successful marriage could make a huge difference in your prospects. (p. 159)